something i did NOT get from my mom: procrastination.

So, its been over a week since I've written. Of course I have good excuses... kids' nap schedules are off, i got another idea that lead me down a rabbit trail....

...but today, both kids are still napping and I found myself CLEANING. cleaning instead of writing. If there was any doubt before, there is none now. It's confirmed; I'm procrastinating.

Friends would say kind things like how my smile reminds them of my mom, or such and such reminds them of my mom. One thing that I know I did not get from my mom was my "slowness." I remember my mom rushing me on various occasions. "ai-yah! nay deem guy gum mau-sau ga?" (why are you so slow?) Ironically, as slow as I am, I find myself saying the same things to Isaac and getting frustrated with him. I've figured that Isaac's "slowness" is just innate (probably inherited it from me) but I also think that it is partially his mild form of rebellion. Anyone who has met Isaac knows that he's a really mild-mannered, good-natured boy. He reminds me of how my mom would describe me as a child.

Hannah, on the other hand, is not so much like this. She's tenacious and when she has her mind on something, she attacks it with fervor. Maybe the "Esther" in her middle name is shining through. I can see the "just do it!" attitude that my mom had coming out of my little 9 month old. I need to follow suit and just get to it. Alright... enough catharsis about not having written. I can hear... uh oh... Hannah says its now time to go tend to her.

"Serve with nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide"

In today's sermon, the pastor exhorted us to "serve with nothing to prove, nothing to lose and nothing to hide." At one point, he said, "wouldn't it be nice to live in such a way that at the end of your life, you can say to your kids, live the way I've lived... live according to the example i have set for you...." His point is, very few of us could claim this. And while my mom was probably much too humble to make such a claim, I truly believed her life was exemplary in many ways.

Nothing to prove...
Mom rarely tried to prove herself. She had a quiet acceptance of her circumstances that in hindsight I can recognize as humility. I was a very sensitive child growing up and other people's opinion of me would often make or break my day. I remember my mom constantly reminding me that it doesn't matter what others' think about me. She would say, "Don't let others have so much power over your emotions" and as a child with intense emotions that were difficult to calm, i just didn't get it and didn't want to hear it. but over the years, and often at just the right times, i can still hear her voice saying "So what? who cares what other's think?" To live with an audience of one is truly freeing.

Nothing to lose...
Along with her "who cares what other people think" mentality, her "no big deal" attitude about so much of life reiterates "nothing to lose." One of my my favorite sayings of hers was "...the world is round. We'll get home somehow." We would often get lost on our weekend adventures out of town. Whether it was to the Exploratorium or Marine World Africa USA, we would always get turned around. There was either never a map or where we were wasn't on the map. So mom would just keep driving calmly. She never panicked. She never feared "losing face" in stopping to ask for directions.

Nothing to hide...
Mom was always honest with her emotions. Sometimes too honest. The good thing is, you never had to guess what she was thinking, and she always believed in the verse "never let the sun go down on your anger" literally. She was quick to resolve conflict and didn't hide much. I think because of that, she always lived lighthearted and free. Not that there was no pain or no trials. That was there too. It seemed, though, that her positive outlook allowed those other things to not touch her joy.

Do you have a story that you feel demonstrates these qualities in Esther? If you can think of any, please share!

Ushering in the New Year

Other than going out to dinner, we had quite an uneventful New Years Eve. I guess that’s what happens when you have 2 kids who are 2 and under. I talked with Sie-low on the phone a couple of days ago and he said that New Years wasn’t his and his wife’s favorite holiday. They weren’t doing anything and probably just laying low. Knowing our kid situation, I know that New Year’s celebration wouldn’t be on our agenda either.

I remembered New Year’s celebration being a little bit of a bigger deal for mom than the rest of the traditional holidays. Maybe it was the excuse to “party” and stay up all night to play “cho die dee” with Chan Mok-ci and family, but I think it was probably more the reflection and thanksgiving part that would precede it.

Growing up, I remember there being “night watch” at the church on New Year’s Eve. The older, Chinese congregation would gather and sing old hymns like, “Another year is gone.” And “Count Your Many Blessings name them one by one.” I know that as a pre-teen (and maybe even as a teenager), I remember resenting having to go to these events instead of going to REAL parties. Looking back, I think a part of me is happy that I was dragged there. Other than Labor Day Retreats, these were the opportunities mom had to give God praise in public, and no matter what the year held, she would always have something positive to say in Thanking God for His provision, and thanking God for His children.

But I digress. As some of you know, I’m going to focus some energy this year in writing down some memories of my mom in the form of memoirs. I have heard positive feedback and supportive comments from some of you and even one suggestion to start a blog. So here it is. This blog will hopefully provide some fodder for my memoir writing. I might post some of my rough work here or ask for clarification on events in mom’s life. I would gladly welcome contributions of memories, photos, etc., that might fully depict who my mom was to each of us. So please visit this site when you have a memory of her you want to share or thought of her and want to read something about her. (On a technical side-note, I would love to be able to allow those who are interested to post but I’m not sure how to do that. I know you can all use the “comment” part to respond, but beyond that, I’m not sure what to do. If you have ideas, please let me know.)

I leave you with a “dramatic moment” (A New Year’s Eve memory of Mommy):

Lying prone on the cream-colored carpet, with a pillow propping up her head, she could barely lift her eyes. Her glasses are at the tip of her nose and she peers up, squinting to see her hand in the dimly lit room.

“Eh,” She lays down her cards, closes her eyes and snores.

Just a couple of feet in front of her, across the played cards on the floor was another middle age woman who was snoring.

No better way to usher in the New Year than with all-nighter rounds of Cho Die Dee.

Happy New Year, everyone!